Top Chef 2: Why I Went to Culinary School

The Accidental Hedonist poses this question: What is culinary school worth? Some of our cheftestants were eager to answer the question:

"Was it worth it? Hell yes, Dude! They taught me how to comport myself in front of my co-chefs and customers," said Mikey, wondering how the hell that strange word popped up in his head. "I mean, besides learning to slice carrot chips and create magnificent dishes like a steak and cheese sub, I'd say that they showed me how to dress and behave like a top chef. I wanted to make Suzanne Goin eat a Cheeto dick, and like, dude, I succeeded."

"Culinary school is one tough environment, man," said Ilan, "You have to mature quickly, treat every member of your team with equal respect, and not let the little things get to you. I have to remind myself to keep my emotions in check at all times, otherwise I’ll never succeed in this dog-eat-dog environment. If it hadn’t been for Culinary School, I woulda been an engineer or accountant or something, and sitting behind some stinky desk. But now I'm a line cook. I’d say I’ve definitely moved up in the world!"

"Who needs schooling when you're already top chef in a successful restaurant?" said Chef Carlos, taking the rose out of his mouth. "Just vote for me as Fan Fave, darlings. Oh, I gotta go! Miss XaXa Heels from Amuse-Biatch is coming to see ME all the way from Georgia. We are all in a dither at the Hi-Life Café. I mean, have you seen her? She’s simply gorgeous. We gotta get our place spic and span for our fave fan."

"I had a choice between attending Culinary School and the Institute for Surly Male Models," said Sam. "Despite my unusually short and stubby fingers, a disability I’ve successfully hidden from the world by tucking them under my armpits, I chose cooking school. From what I understand, Celebrity Chefs make millions. Even when they get to be old and pot-bellied, they’ll have women crawling all over them. They fly in their personal jets to their various restaurants, publish cook books left and right, and create spectacular meals for movie stars. After my Bravo stint, I’d say I’m well on my way to climbing up the Celebrity Cheftestant ladder."
"Vell, I theenk one cannot studee at too many schools, evair. Look at meee! Little Elia, the only feemale cheftestent left standing! I am only 23 years old, but I have succeeded een attending 14 Culinary Schools already. My aim ees to bee the first female winner on Top Chef, then to attend deefferent Culinary Schools in all the beauteeful countries in the world until my brain ees full. Beesides, I am so young, so firecracker hot, and so talented that I still have plentee of time beefore settling down to cook for a leeving!"

"Man, get outta my face. I’m not telling you anything about my past, present, or future, including my stint in Culinary School or my name. I’m gonna hang out in the background, do my thing, and manipulate from behind the scenes. I will win at all costs, no matter what it takes or how long it takes for me to get there or how I need to do it. I’ve got my eye on the brass ring. Mia’s down. Mikey’s down. Blackhawk Down. Go figure that one out for yourself. Now leave me alone. I gotta fly under the radar."

"Could you turn off the video for a moment? I wanta plaster a pasty grin on my face. It’s so soignee, you know," Marcel said, reaching for a trowel. "Culinary School, yeah, like whatever, man. I didn’t come to make friends. I came to learn to cook. So, yeah, I was an outcast there too. Like, whatever, these people don’t get me. I just let them buzz around me and then I just stand there grinning. Outside, I look cool, dude. I mean, have you seen my hair? Inside I’m laughing my ass off. I mean, they’re doing just what I want them to do. By not reacting and standing still as a statue and wearing my pasty grin, they go crazy. It DRAINS their energy. Hah, they’re so immature. They don’t even see it. Besides cooking and rap, that’s what I learned in Culinary School."