Seen in the Personals

Wreck needs salvaging. F, 60. Please help. Box no. 24/09

When I inevitably read this ad again in a ‘laugh-out loud’ follow-up volume of ‘hilarious’, ‘quirky’ and ‘endearing’ lonely hearts ads, it will be like opening a time-capsule of despair on the emptiest period of my pathetic existence. Unless you write now and agree to marry me. No pressure from ‘winning’, ‘charming’, ‘best loo-read’ F, 38. Box no. 24/06

Bend over and show me your bottom. Collector of bearded stunt hobbits, 35 M, seeks F (to 50) curator of DIY curio for genuine aluminium stepladder action. People named Dubya, Osama, Sindy & Barbie needn't apply. Blow-up dolls excluded unless they come with their own puncture repair kit. Box no. 01/01

My psychotherapist suggested I place this ad. Woman, 43. Not mental, despite whatever a fear of open spaces, the colour red, the sound of rain, plastic containers, beards, percussionists, birdsong and cornflakes may suggest Box no. 01/03

Ever woken up and wondered why you have that sinking feeling again? Ever stopped to think why everything seems so cold? Ever longed for the warmth of another? Ever just wanted to be able to give love and to receive a little love back? Ever married a homosexual? Well I have, buster, so save the sob-stories. Woman, 52, WLTM man to 60 willing to participate in an intense program of psychometric testing including, but not limited to, a polygraph and a lengthy discussion over wallpaper samples before we commit to any sort of relationship Box no. 01/06

Personals, London Review of Books