Tonight in Hell’s Kitchen I was the Lobster Bitch

Giant Chef Eating Lobster

"Tonight in Hell's Kitchen I was the Lobster Bitch." Truer words were never spoken by Josh, who had been turned into a lobster tool for the Red Team by Chef Ramsay, and forced to fetch live lobsters from a tank whenever a customer ordered the dish.

Josh, the lobster tool

Our sweet Bonnie, not to be outdone by Josh's verbal acuity, exclaimed "Oh FU*K!" when she spied several dozen humongous crustaceans wriggling in a tank. She then screwed up her face, "I like to eat them, but I don't like to kill them," she exclaimed. Er, s'cuse me, cute Bonnie, but didn't you come to cook?

After five episodes I've given up trying to make sense of Hell's Kitchen, so tonight I shall simply spew out some quotable quotes, slap together a few pictures, and say, "To hell with it, I can no longer take this show seriously." It's gone to hell in a handbasket, and I for one no longer care.

Rock was the only person who made sense tonight. When Melissa and her giant zit came over to the men's side, he said, "Melissa's still going down." When Chef Ramsay told the losing Blue Team they would have to pick through rotting, stinking garbage to retrieve the recyclable material, Rock started throwing a tantrum, banging pots, slamming doors, pummeling his fists, and ranting and raving like a lunatic.

I'd have done the same if I had been in his situation. And then, Rock was called to the photo shoot the Red Team had won, where he saw Chef Ramsey posing with the women.

But it wasn't that pose that enraged him, it was this one. By this time, he'd had enough!

Rock felt he had a right to act like a baby. NONE OF THESE USELESS DEMEANING TASKS HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH COOKING! And neither had those photo shoots.

So the next thing we know the chefs were back in the kitchen, where they were cooking and making a mess of the simplest dishes, like mashed potatoes. Surprise of surprises, Chef Ramsey YELLED at them. Can you imagine? Poor Julia finally became undone, and said:

But her rhetorical statement had come too late. Chef Ramsey shut down the kitchen and FIRED the diners. "WTF!" said one. "Where's my dessert?" He wanted to be filmed eating creme brulee.

"WTF is creme brulee?" asked Julia.

And so before the fun had barely begun, Chef Ramsey FIRED Melissa. Big surprise. "Take your zit and your crazy hair and get out of my sight," he said.

Then he turned to Josh and Brad, who started tap dancing.


And Chef Ramsay pronounced, You're Out! You're In! You're Fools! You'll stay.

The three women in the Red Team began to giggle.

But Rock had the best line of all: "For me to win, I will have to see everyone walk out the door."


And so you shall.