Jul 2, 2007

Hell's Kitchen Prediction: A Play by Play Post of the Saga of the Hell's Kitchen Bitches

Click here for my July 9th Hell's Kitchen post.

It is 8:30 PM EST, one half hour to go before Hell's Kitchen: I predict the next chef to go is Bonnie. Let's see, shall we? I've been known to be wrong many times.

9:05 PM EST: This week's challenge? Cooking for a wedding reception. The red and blue team received $100 to purchase food, and had 1/2 hour to shop and one hour to cook three dishes, which the Bride and Groom would taste. Their decision determined which team's food would be served at their wedding reception in the HK restaurant.

9:24 PM EST: Uh, oh, I think. My prediction might be wrong. Melissa was starting to foam at the mouth as she ordered the women around the kitchen during the short challenge. In fact, all the women spassed out. As a result of the their total ineptitude and lack of team work, Chef Ramsey renamed the Red Team the Hell's Kitchen Bitches.

After chewing the Red Team's tough, dessicated piece of duck breast, the Bride and Groom chose the Blue Team's food. No surprise. As a result, the men won their first challenge since the start of the show. Their reward? A luxury massage at the Excell Spa. "Keep your pants on," advised Chef Ramsey to Brad when he confessed this will be his first massage. 'Oh', I said to myself, 'this episode is shaping up to be good.'

9:30 PM EST: Melissa had a total meltdown in the kitchen. She looked like she was wearing a goatee, but it was only a huge worry zit plastered in the middle of her chinnie chin chin. After the tasting challenge, the other women wanted nothing to do with her. "She disrespected me," said Julia, who was smoking like a chimney. Sweet (and still dressed) Bonnie puffed away on cancer sticks too.

While the women decorated the restaurant for the reception, Melissa wouldn't stop barking out orders. "I may have to strangle her with some chiffon," said Bonnie. Earlier a male wedding planner had described his vision of the room as a "garden of gorgeousness."

'Yeah, right, Dude," thought Jen peevishly. She had come to compete as a chef, not slave away for some silly male peacock who got his jollies decorating with roses and ruffles.

9:33 PM EST: Melissa was unable to make Rock's potato recipe and accused him of sabotaging her. 'You're my toughest competition, Bitch,' Rock thought, keeping his nefarious thoughts to himself. He smiled at Chef Ramsey and lied sweetly, "I gave her my recipe word for word."

9:44 PM EST: A spastic Melissa dropped the sauvignon sauce in the water, which puts the red team even further behind. In fact, she floundered so badly during the final challenge, that I had to revise my first prediction, and pick Melissa to go next. Jen had taken over leadership for the ladies, and was basking in Chef Ramsey's compliments as she supervised the Red Team.

9:45 to 9:52: The teams fought hard behind the scenes to serve the food, however the guests at the reception and the Bride and Groom seemed blissfully unaware of the drama. After two hours all the guests were served, miraculously so, considering how much the teams floundered.

9:53 PM EST: Chef Ramsey declared the Blue Team the winner. The men were on a roll. Jen put Melissa up on the chopping block, after Chef Ramsey picked her to choose two of the team for elimination. Who would Jen choose as the second chef to sit on the hot seat? Who would Chef Ramsey eliminate among the two women? I couldn't wait to find out.

9;58 PM EST: Will wonders never cease? Jen picked her friend Bonnie. At that moment I thought, 'Finally we are watching an exciting and unpredictable Hell's Kitchen episode.'

Chef Ramsey announced Melissa's name and we watched Bonny's comely bosom heave a sigh of relief.

As Chef Ramsey ordered Melissa to give him her jacket, Rock smiled. 'Bitch is going down,' he thought smugly. Then Chef Ramsey told Melissa to join the men's team. "I'm giving you one last chance."

'Sheeit,' thought Rock, 'I don’t know how I’m gonna cope with Melissa; She ain’t that good.'

As the bride and groom headed off to their luxury suite in The Green Valley Ranch Resort in Las Vegas, Melissa smiled sweetly to the camera and flipped the men the proverbial bird.

'Oh, what a tangled web Chef Ramsey weaved, er, wove!' I thought. 'The next episode should be fun!'


Big Fella said...

A zit on her chin? I thought that was just some chin whiskers starting to show as she ramped up her testosterone.

BML said...

I couldn't believe how Melissa acted! Her hair was wild -- do you think she ran out of her medication, lol??

Putting Melissa on Rock's team was a surprise. Maybe it is a test for Rock -- if he can deal with her, then he can probably run a restaurant kitchen.