Jul 9, 2007

Tonight in Hell’s Kitchen I was the Lobster Bitch


Giant Chef Eating Lobster

"Tonight in Hell's Kitchen I was the Lobster Bitch." Truer words were never spoken by Josh, who had been turned into a lobster tool for the Red Team by Chef Ramsay, and forced to fetch live lobsters from a tank whenever a customer ordered the dish.

Josh, the lobster tool

Our sweet Bonnie, not to be outdone by Josh's verbal acuity, exclaimed "Oh FU*K!" when she spied several dozen humongous crustaceans wriggling in a tank. She then screwed up her face, "I like to eat them, but I don't like to kill them," she exclaimed. Er, s'cuse me, cute Bonnie, but didn't you come to cook?


After five episodes I've given up trying to make sense of Hell's Kitchen, so tonight I shall simply spew out some quotable quotes, slap together a few pictures, and say, "To hell with it, I can no longer take this show seriously." It's gone to hell in a handbasket, and I for one no longer care.

Rock was the only person who made sense tonight. When Melissa and her giant zit came over to the men's side, he said, "Melissa's still going down." When Chef Ramsay told the losing Blue Team they would have to pick through rotting, stinking garbage to retrieve the recyclable material, Rock started throwing a tantrum, banging pots, slamming doors, pummeling his fists, and ranting and raving like a lunatic.

I'd have done the same if I had been in his situation. And then, Rock was called to the photo shoot the Red Team had won, where he saw Chef Ramsey posing with the women.

But it wasn't that pose that enraged him, it was this one. By this time, he'd had enough!

Rock felt he had a right to act like a baby. NONE OF THESE USELESS DEMEANING TASKS HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH COOKING! And neither had those photo shoots.

So the next thing we know the chefs were back in the kitchen, where they were cooking and making a mess of the simplest dishes, like mashed potatoes. Surprise of surprises, Chef Ramsey YELLED at them. Can you imagine? Poor Julia finally became undone, and said:

But her rhetorical statement had come too late. Chef Ramsey shut down the kitchen and FIRED the diners. "WTF!" said one. "Where's my dessert?" He wanted to be filmed eating creme brulee.

"WTF is creme brulee?" asked Julia.

And so before the fun had barely begun, Chef Ramsey FIRED Melissa. Big surprise. "Take your zit and your crazy hair and get out of my sight," he said.

Then he turned to Josh and Brad, who started tap dancing.


And Chef Ramsay pronounced, You're Out! You're In! You're Fools! You'll stay.

The three women in the Red Team began to giggle.

But Rock had the best line of all: "For me to win, I will have to see everyone walk out the door."


And so you shall.

7 comments:

Big Fella said...

Your recap is "en pointe", after last night I said to myself, this program is just a CARTOON. Ramsey has got to be a member of the Screen Actors Guild, and he must be pulling down a lot of loot for his performance.

The plot has gotten so predictable, and the set-ups are so obvious.

Don't forget, this is a Fox "reality" show, so if the craven Rupert is able to get away with this bogus entertainment and laugh all the way to the bank, think about what he is going to do to the Wall Street Journal when he gets his dirty hands on it.

ArtfulSub said...

Two words. KYLE XY. Or maybe that's one word and Two letters. Or a name and two letters. Or...

Anyway, why torture yourself with that HK tripe? Kyle XY rocks!

BigAssBelle said...

oh my gosh! i've never even heard of this? or maybe i've heard and my dementia-riddled brain simply let the information sift away.

i'm back down to two hours of television a week (from my top of three hours) because i can't get into hbo's replacement for the sopranos. i am left with Big Love (oh i LOVE Big Love!!) and Bravo's 9:00 Wednesday offering ~ Chef, Rungay, whatever.

but perhaps, perhaps i'll sneak a peek at this? perhaps . . . :-)

CheesesteakDude said...

I have to say, Ms Place, that your write up made me laugh out loud more than once. Awesome stuff. Your blog has quickly become one of my favorites!

artfulsub - I can't say that I agree with you about HK being torture. Yes, it lacks the elegance of Top Chef but HK is still great television because Chef Ramsay is a star and his motivational methods are very entertaining.

But I do agree with you about Kyle XY. It really does rock!

Ms. Place said...

BABelle, save your precious t.v. hours; cheesesteakdude, I can't wait to read your take on this episode; yeah, Art, it's time I give KYLE XY a try; and big fella, Ramsay's already been fired, according to Ruhlman.

Big Fella said...

ms. Place, oh then I guess a gotta get over to Ruhlman's blog, I don't usually hang there unless Bordain's been posting.

Ms. Place said...

Oh, Big Fella, I had a brain fart. It was Salon in this link that said Ramsay was gone:
http://www.salon.com/mwt/food/eat_drink/2007/05/22/pierre_whiteqa/index_np.html

I had posted the info in my Ruhlman/Bourdain post. Sorry to send you in the wrong direction.