Dec 6, 2006

Eye Candy

Up to now my Eye Candy posts haven't showcased the usual hunky male suspects, and they probably never will. When it comes to appreciating the male form, I tend to trod down the path less traveled.

So, for those of you who are wondering about my female sensibilities in regard to the accepted male standard, I have devised the bow tie rating system.

Two bows: A deliciously mouthwatering man.

One bow: Can take him or leave him.

No bow: Not in my radarscope.

Hang Down His Head George Clooney

Towards the end of his tenure at E.R. I could barely watch this former mullet wearer. He was always hanging his head while talking or angling it crookedly, as if he had a crick in his neck. This habit so irked me that I still shudder when I think of it. A man who can’t look me straight in the eye is no man for me.
No Bow

Hot To Trot Brad Pitt
Ok, so his first marriage was for practice. What do lifelong vows really mean these days anyway? But to go sniffing after a woman who has a NOTORIOUS penchant for stealing other women’s men not once but three times (just ask Laura Dern,) well, I’ve got to question this man’s intelligence. He might look hunky and dreamy and all that rot, but right now he’s thinking with his second, much smaller brain. I, for one, adore gray matter.
No Bow

Chocolicious Johnny Depp
There’s nothing wrong with this man in any way, shape, or form. In fact he’s got it going on so many levels that he requires a blog all his own. I’ve always adored his intelligent, uniquely crafted acting skills, but I first fell in love with his buff bod in Chocolat. On the next Talk Like a Pirate Day, I intend to download Jack Sparrow’s ringtone ...if he’s willing.
Two Bows

The classics: Richard Gere, Harrison Ford If you like to see your father kiss your girlfriends, these men are for you.
Two Vintage Bow Ties

Yesteryear: Paul Newman, Sean Connery, Warren Beatty, Clint Eastwood
If you like to see your grandfather kiss your girlfriends, you’ve got a screw loose.
One Vintage Bow Tie (only because they’ve worn the second one out)

Up and Coming: Orlando Bloom and Jake Gyllenhaal
A little wet behind the ears, don’t you think? I like men whose necks have grown to mature size and whose shoulders are broader than mine. No smooth-cheeked, pencil necks for me.
One green bow

The Talent: Tom Hanks, Jack Nicholson, Dustin Hoffman, Al Pacino, Robert de Niro The breadth and scope of their combined talent makes my heart flutter, but …sorry guys, you’re just not hunk material.
One bow

Just Past Their Prime: Dennis Quaid, Jeff Bridges, Kurt Russell
Oooh, la, la these men were so delicious during the nineties, but lately, well, I give them credit for not going the botox route.
Two worn out bows.

The Fallen Idols: Mel Gibson, Tom Cruise, Kevin Costner, Nick Nolte
I liked Gibson, Nolte, and Costner once. I never liked Cruise (too smarmy and ingratiating.) Gibson, Nolte, and Cruise are aging gracelessly. Costner’s weenie voice merely annoys.
No bow

Fugly Russel Crowe
For some reason he twirls my cookies. I am mesmerized when he’s on screen, but as for his looks? Na ah. And does anyone know if he’s ever attended anger management classes? Too dangerous for my tender soul.
One bow

Six-Pack Packer Matthew McConnaugey
Dunno. Never did warm up to him. Great musculature (especially his well-defined Davids,) but his head is too big for his body. I did like the thought of him playing his bongs in the buff though.
One bow

Down Under’s Hugh Jackman
Dunno. He’s funny and talented and good looking and all, but his head is too small for his body.
One bow.

Killer Albino Paul Bettany
Classically handsome, but he exudes a slick teflon quality that just doesn’t appeal to me. He was chilling in the part of the self flagellating monk in The Da Vinci Code. Perhaps that’s the problem. Self-flagellation is such a solitary hobby. Maybe he needs to get out more.
One bow

The Brits: Hugh Grant, Rupert Everett, and Colin FirthHall of famers. Their yummy accents alone merit three bow ties, and one suspects that romping in the sack with them would be hugely fun, well at least with Hugh and Colin. Rupert is out of my reach.
Two bows

That Sexy Dutchman Rutger Hauer
I had to add one of my countrymen to this list. Rutger has piercing blue eyes and the refined nostrils of a purebred stallion. He was glorious as the doomed robot in Blade Runner. When he was younger he was also Anne Rice’s first choice to play the vampire Lestat. However, like all good stolid Dutchmen who like their beer and potatoes, Rutger has let himself go to pot.
One bow (I’m sentimental)

The Artificially Propped Up Michael Douglas, Burt Reynolds,Robert Redford
Eeww, Ick! No bow. If they manage to get their liver-spotted hands on one, take it away!

Well, dahlings, feel free to agree or disagree. This is, after all, a free country and I welcome your opinions.


Lisette said...

MMMmmm, english boys and Rutger! Now, I'm all confused and can't work!

Ms. Place said...

Seems we DO have the same taste in the male of the species. How fun is that.

Anonymous said...

You should get your facts straight. Beatty hasn't had any plastic surgery or other cosmetic work done (yet), which is why he looks like he's straight out of "Tales from the Crypt". Redford's name belongs in that "artificially propped up" category instead of him, especially after that awful eyelid correction gone way wrong, leaving him with eyes of different sizes.

ms. place said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Ms. Place said...

Well, anonymous 2:45 pm, I made a few changes that should satisfy your penchant for accuracy.

I believe in the wisdom of the crowd over the individual. Considering your comments, I switched Robert with Warren.

However, to my (unpracticed eye) something seems unnatural about Warren. Could be he had a chemical peel or Botox injections. But I sense evidence of "unnatural" aging. The truth's well hidden, to be sure, so you are right. It is better to err on the side of accuracy. Thus, I am following your suggestion.

Anonymous said...

Totally disagree. Orlando Bloom is a hottie. And where is Heath Ledger?

Anonymous said...

Hi Ms. Place,

This is the complaining Anonymous again :)
I beg to differ about Beatty, having seen
him up close several times now.
He's tall, he's charming, he's very nice,
but God, the man looks way older than his
age. Don't forget he's only 69! Up close
you'd think he's at least a decade older,
skin wise. His posture is still good.
He also seems fit for his age. But he
looks positively ancient. Here's a few
photos that show how old he looks, though
they're still flattering.
I most recently saw him up close in October
in NY for the Reds DVD release and in
November at a charity event in LA.












Ms. Place said...

My dear, anonymous, I love your setting me straight.

Having witnessed second hand the natural process of the aging of a fabulously handsome man (and for his age he is) I will bow to your superior first-hand, eye witness knowledge.

Thank you. I want my blog to remain frothy, light, outrageous, and accurate. In my line of work, we bow to the superior knowlegde of our colleagues.

Thank you so much for taking the time to keep me posted.

Oh, and keep reading, dahling. My next eye candy is someone I will be salivating over all weekend. Just have to do a bit of research on this delicious specimen of manhood, tho I feel I know much about the gent already.

Anonymous said...

Oops, your blog didn't catch
the complete urls to those
pictures. Here's the same
pictures again:

Ms. Place said...

Having had a night to think about it, and I am respecting Mr. Beatty more and more. He is confident enough in himself to age naturally. In fact I rather admire him for not being tempted to smooth the wattle or raise the eyebrow, like so many around him.

Thank you for setting me straight. As the plaque at Faber College (Animal House)says, "Knowledge is Good."

Anonymous said...

^You're welcome, Ms. Place. I, too, am very happy he's managed to stay away from plastic surgery. Redford made the decision very late to have his eyes (amongst other things) done, and that backfired for more than one reason. One: because it was too late and the difference was very obvious. Two: the difference before and after PS wasn't just obvious because of the timing, but because it got botched, which is very unfortunate for Mr. Redford.
I hope Mr. Beatty, despite looking older than he really is, will continue aging naturally. Because underneath all those wrinkles you can still recognize young Warren. Redford is barely recognizable as himself anymore.
Two more things, if I may: despite looking so old, Beatty has very young, sparkling, alert blue eyes (not to mention quite long eyelashes). And last: he helped a friend of mine about a decade ago when she had car trouble. He didn't change her tire or anything, but he did call to get her car to a garage. Very unassuming man.
That's quite enough from me :)

Ms. Place said...

I am liking him more and more. Two things about Beatty: he made two of my favorite movies, Heaven Can Wait and Reds, and he acted with Vivien Leigh.

Now you tell me he's a gentleman. I am verklempt!

Anonymous said...

Ms. Place: verklempt, huh? :) What state will you enter when I tell you he's so shy, that he blushes frequently?
The very first time I saw him was at a semi political/charity fundraiser type thing. I was a teenager, helping out the catering. He was in his early forties, but still quite stunning. I remembered who he was from "Heaven Can Wait" several years earlier. I'm not lying when I say that 75% of the women there of all ages (and even a good percentage of the men) often glimpsed at him, throughout the event. And it wasn't like he was the only celeb there, or that he was trying to catch everybody's attention. He was quietly talking with a few people and one of them said something just as I passed, and he started to blush, right down to his neck, lol.
Even at the presentation of the Reds DVD, someone of the press made a joke and again, he blushed, even at 69 and being "Hollywood Royalty"! That's one of the reasons why I am a fan! :)