So, for those of you who are wondering about my female sensibilities in regard to the accepted male standard, I have devised the bow tie rating system.
Two bows: A deliciously mouthwatering man.
One bow: Can take him or leave him.
No bow: Not in my radarscope.
Towards the end of his tenure at E.R. I could barely watch this former mullet wearer. He was always hanging his head while talking or angling it crookedly, as if he had a crick in his neck. This habit so irked me that I still shudder when I think of it. A man who can’t look me straight in the eye is no man for me.
Hot To Trot Brad Pitt
Ok, so his first marriage was for practice. What do lifelong vows really mean these days anyway? But to go sniffing after a woman who has a NOTORIOUS penchant for stealing other women’s men not once but three times (just ask Laura Dern,) well, I’ve got to question this man’s intelligence. He might look hunky and dreamy and all that rot, but right now he’s thinking with his second, much smaller brain. I, for one, adore gray matter.
Chocolicious Johnny Depp
There’s nothing wrong with this man in any way, shape, or form. In fact he’s got it going on so many levels that he requires a blog all his own. I’ve always adored his intelligent, uniquely crafted acting skills, but I first fell in love with his buff bod in Chocolat. On the next Talk Like a Pirate Day, I intend to download Jack Sparrow’s ringtone ...if he’s willing.
Yesteryear: Paul Newman, Sean Connery, Warren Beatty, Clint Eastwood
If you like to see your grandfather kiss your girlfriends, you’ve got a screw loose.
One Vintage Bow Tie (only because they’ve worn the second one out)
Up and Coming: Orlando Bloom and Jake Gyllenhaal
A little wet behind the ears, don’t you think? I like men whose necks have grown to mature size and whose shoulders are broader than mine. No smooth-cheeked, pencil necks for me.
One green bow
The Talent: Tom Hanks, Jack Nicholson, Dustin Hoffman, Al Pacino, Robert de Niro The breadth and scope of their combined talent makes my heart flutter, but …sorry guys, you’re just not hunk material.
Just Past Their Prime: Dennis Quaid, Jeff Bridges, Kurt Russell
Oooh, la, la these men were so delicious during the nineties, but lately, well, I give them credit for not going the botox route.
Two worn out bows.
The Fallen Idols: Mel Gibson, Tom Cruise, Kevin Costner, Nick Nolte
I liked Gibson, Nolte, and Costner once. I never liked Cruise (too smarmy and ingratiating.) Gibson, Nolte, and Cruise are aging gracelessly. Costner’s weenie voice merely annoys.
Fugly Russel Crowe
For some reason he twirls my cookies. I am mesmerized when he’s on screen, but as for his looks? Na ah. And does anyone know if he’s ever attended anger management classes? Too dangerous for my tender soul.
Six-Pack Packer Matthew McConnaugey
Dunno. Never did warm up to him. Great musculature (especially his well-defined Davids,) but his head is too big for his body. I did like the thought of him playing his bongs in the buff though.
Killer Albino Paul Bettany
Classically handsome, but he exudes a slick teflon quality that just doesn’t appeal to me. He was chilling in the part of the self flagellating monk in The Da Vinci Code. Perhaps that’s the problem. Self-flagellation is such a solitary hobby. Maybe he needs to get out more.
The Brits: Hugh Grant, Rupert Everett, and Colin FirthHall of famers. Their yummy accents alone merit three bow ties, and one suspects that romping in the sack with them would be hugely fun, well at least with Hugh and Colin. Rupert is out of my reach.
That Sexy Dutchman Rutger Hauer
I had to add one of my countrymen to this list. Rutger has piercing blue eyes and the refined nostrils of a purebred stallion. He was glorious as the doomed robot in Blade Runner. When he was younger he was also Anne Rice’s first choice to play the vampire Lestat. However, like all good stolid Dutchmen who like their beer and potatoes, Rutger has let himself go to pot.
One bow (I’m sentimental)
The Artificially Propped Up Michael Douglas, Burt Reynolds,Robert Redford
Eeww, Ick! No bow. If they manage to get their liver-spotted hands on one, take it away!
Well, dahlings, feel free to agree or disagree. This is, after all, a free country and I welcome your opinions.