Our water cooler crowd at the office was so disappointed in this week's PR episode that all they could discuss was the boring results. We did not fault the designers, since they were given barely enough time to complete a daunting task: to create a 3-piece outfit for Tiki Barber to wear on The Today Show.
First, Tiki's body is 5'9" of rock hard solid muscle. And he has no neck. Well, he does, but it has a 5'9" circumference. The outfit would need meticulous tailoring. However, our designers were given less than two days to complete the challenge. Whaa? Right away we knew the tight timing would skew the results.
So, here's our take on the outfits. Only four of us had the wherewithal to snark these less than sterling menswear designs: Ms. Place, Branch H2O, Major Bitchin', and Land Mine (who makes her last appearance this week, as she moves on to greener pastures.)
Land Mine: This looks like a waiter's jacket.
Branch H2O: "Ah, yes, boy, you may take my order now."
Major Bitchin': That black collar is Audrey Hepburnesque
Ms. Place: This is how an air traffic comptroller must look after a plane has crashed.
Branch H2O: It looks like he tried to hang himself for wearing that shitty shirt - and then fell off the gallows.
Branch H2O: I loved it. It's classic, well fitted, and that thing around his neck gives it some edge.
Ms. Place: Prep school 1936 or Brideshead Revisited. All this outfit needs is a teddy bear.
Major Bitchin': Loved Steven's spandex and football comment.
Land Mine: Russian KGB man during the Cold War.
Ms. Place: A yummy man disguised as an accountant.
Branch H2O: He has more pins in him than a porcupine. As for Ricky, I wish the Bitch would just stop crying.
Branch H2O: Bland, like toast. I don't have much to say about this.
Land Mine: I think THIS looks like a members only jacket. It's too casual for The Today Show.
Branch H2O: Yeah, too preppy. The fleece is interesting, but the rest is ordinary - khakis paired with an ordinary shirt.
Major Bitchin': Yawn
Ms. Place: I couldn't understand why the judges were so enamored with this. Perhaps it was sewn well.
Branch H2O: Or a gay gangster. Actually, this would be a great look with a different shirt.
Major Bitchin': The proportions are off. The shirt's skin tight in the wrong places.
Land Mine: Yeah, you're right. The proportions are off. The sleeves are way too tight. And did he mean to leave the shirt untucked? It's too short.
Branch H2O: I like it. It's plain and simple, yet the shirt's stylish and adds a bit of funk.
Major Bitchin': The shoes are awful.
Land Mine: It's like 70's rocker. At least it was something.
Ms. Place: The Vampire Lestat in the 21st Century. Actually, the model looked better in his skivvies. Boyfriend or not, I would have touched him.
Land Mine: He looks like an elf. All he needs is shoes that turn up at the toe.
Branch H2O: This would look good on a tall German, but not on 5'9" Tiki.
Major Bitchin: I love the look, but Branch is right.
Land Mine: Too metrosexual for my tastes.
Major Bitchin': I liked the colors. Bronzes. It would have helped if it was finished.
Land Mine: I kinda liked it, but I kinda don't.
Ms. Place: Oh, puhlease. Hideous. No self respecting man would wear this.
Branch H2O (shaking his head): What a hot shitty mess. Oliver Twist morphed into a mad golfer.
Ms. Place: Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof disguised as the Pied Piper. And look at those shoes!
Land Mine: What was she thinking?
Major Bitchin': She didn't have a clue.
Land Mine: I don't like beltless pants. I think they look cheap.
Branch H2O: This should have won. It's American, it has edge, and it's well made.
Major Bitchin': At least he used a shirt fabric with a pattern. It adds some excitement.
Ms. Place: Aren't these men cute? I'll admit, the outfit looked great on Tiki and it was perfect for The Today Show.