Jan 10, 2008

Project Runway Four: Christian Meets the Rock of Gilbraltar ....

... in the form of Maddie, a sweet, innocent Catholic School Girl, whose experience of the world at a private school run by the brides of Christ is limited and whose potential is still being developed. Upon seeing what Christian had in mind for her, this darling, shy, retiring and delicate young blossom, poised on the threshold of womanhood, squeezed Christian by the balls and ground him and his goofball prom dress ideas into a thousand emasculated pieces under her school uniform shoes. She then took out her trusty .5 mm Pentel Sharp mechanical pencil (a product placement opportunity Bravo missed) and made hash work of Christian's mess, adding her own subtle touches.

Miss Thing, upset that her genius was being challenged by a mere child, began to bray like a donkey. Tim Gunn described the exchange between Maddie and Christian in more gentlemanlike terms, "Some may say that his client, Maddie, was difficult. I prefer to say that she was just being an opinionated client. But it was a battle of the wills, and Maddie dared to throw hubris in the face of an angry god."

Hah! I say that when Maddie saw that Christian was gonna make her look like Sissy Spacek in "Carrie" after pig blood was poured over her, she decided to take matters into her own opinionated hands. Our Catholic girlfriend knows what she wants and she thought she knew how to get it. Problem is, she hasn't taken a class in College Physics yet. When an immovable object meets an immovable object, all you get is .... KABOOM!

"Yo, bro, if you think I'm wearing this shapeless brown turd to my prom, you've got another think coming."

Yoohoo! Bravo producers! I changed my mind. Can I choose this gorgeous specimen of manhood instead? Please, please, please!

I suppose Christian got his revenge: Poor Maddie looks like a chocolate truffle. Her face is gorgeous and she has a sexy figure. WTF was Christian thinking? Ah, well. Smile, girlfriend. It's not like the whole world watches Bravo. Only a couple of million of us.

Up next:

Ricky receives eye surgery, in which his tear ducts are permanently sealed with Elmer's glue, Bravo's next sponsor.

Victorya continues her Teacher's Pet lessons in order to keep her in the competition with her mind numbingly similar and shapeless sad sack dresses.

Chris is contacted by Laz Luhrmann to star in his next movie about circuses AND to design and wear all the costumes.

Rami drapes all the presidential contenders in red, white, and blue.

Kit's hunky prom date contacts her and they "relive" that last glorious evening they spent together.

Sweet P seeks out Dr. Phil in between his ambulance chasing sessions with Britney, hoping to gain insight as to why her vastly superior dress did not win this week's competition.

Jillian practices five different facial expressions in front of a mirror hoping she'll get one right.

Inspired by all those Catholic school girls, Christian goes on retreat in a monastery to acquire humility and meet some hunky men.

Upon learning that Kevin was aufed, Ms. Place finds solace in all the gin joints in Richmond, searching for a reason to keep watching this uneven season now that one of her favorite designers has been ignominiously and unfairly booted. In her humble opinion, Ricky's bland design was far, far worse.

11 comments:

Tbone said...

Brilliant!

cb said...

well, i kinda disagree about Christian and the schoolgirl. Maddie was annoying as crap, and didn't seem like the kind of person you could say no to. The dress was, in fact, largely her design. Christian's execution wasn't faboo, at all (the back of the dress was telling), and his attitude was immature, but I think he DID have rather a substantial challenge with this girlie (I wrote about her on my bloggie).

and - VictorYa's sad sack of shit dress!?!?!
don't get me started.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Ms. Place said...

Totally agree with you, CB, our Ms. Maddie is a hurricane force to be reckoned with, and I suspect she is the exact opposite of my, ahem, ironic description.

Tbone, a compliment coming from you simply makes my day.

Limecrete said...

I won't deny Maddie was brash and nearly impossible to please, but I could have done without Christian's air of "Oh, you poor naive girl. Someday, you will grow up, and understand what design is really all about". He's probably about four years older than her.

Elizabeth said...

Christian is a baby, but a talented baby (inspite of the turd dress!) and they wouldn't have booted him unless he and Maddie had gotten into a smackdown - which would have been fun to watch. But you're completely right about Ricky's dull sack. Awful!

Moi ;) said...

ROFL! Good one!!! You got some good licks in.

I did feel bad for Maddie to a point - Christian made that poor girl look like a drag queen. I thought that was supposed to be Chris' job... :*

Linda Merrill said...

Chris is contacted by Baz Luhrmann to star in his next movie about circuses AND to design and wear all the costumes.

I'd watch that movie!!!

I agree - SweetP totally should have won and I'd be seeking comfort and support if I were her as well. VictoriYA's dress was so... so-so. Blah...

As for the two kiddies battling for sand box supremacy - Christian was unprofessional and showed his youth. Maddie is a beautiful girl who needed hand holding and diplomacy to get her into a dress that would flatter and highlight her natural assets - as the cheerleaders say "Push 'em up, Push 'em up, waaay up!". Or something to that effect.

Sweet P managed to tone down the over the top sexy quotient that her client wanted, giving her just enough to feel good, but not so much as to shock her mother.

Marius said...

I agree 100% with tbone; this post is brilliant. Yes, Kevin will be missed. But, honestly, I wasn't surprised that Victorya won this challenge. I didn't agree with it, but the judges (Nina in particular) are becoming so predictable. I'm starting to hate the phrase age-appropriate. Now, where's the gin?

mumblesalot (Laura A) said...

Your post was a joy!

I am thinking of changing my name from Laura to Laurya I think it gives me that certain je ne sais quois I am looking for. Do you think Victorya is really on her birth certificate?

Linda Merrill said...

Moi - When I was in jr. high, I changed the spelling of my name to Lynda - because none of the letters in my full name - Linda Marie Merrill - were "below the line". I kept it Lynda until I went to college and decided it was getting to be a pain. My mother did something similar - her middle name is Jean, but she changed it to Jeanne at some point - just to be fancy- then she dropped the name altogether.

Maybe Victorya went through that phase as well - and stayed there.

Linda Merrill said...

oops, Mumbles, not moi!