Feb 8, 2008

Project Runway: The Wrestling Diva Edition

We just knew it was Chris's turn, didn’t we dahlings? The moment we saw those grunting, gyrating WWE Divas with stomachs as hard as cast iron and perky plastic chest appendages that rival Pamela Anderson’s impressive but artificially inflated two-pack, we could forecast who would win this week.

Chris took on the assignment of dressing his leopard loving Diva in a tight, strapped wrestling outfit with all the honor befitting her, er, inside position. (For wrestling terminology, please consult this helpful glossary). Knowing exactly the moves that were required, he created a sexy caped costume with the speed and skill of a Saville Row tailor.

Oh, how I adore the gloriousness of extreme bad taste and this Project Runway episode had it in spades. Our wonderful Chris instinctively knew what would be required of him, and with an assured forward step he boldly penetrated the challenge of creating an outfit for the wrestling arena.

Whereas our nasolacrimally-challenged Ricky hadn’t a clue what to do with a REAL woman whose profession is to writhe, toss, sweat, and butt chests for a living. And so he created a fashion rearward tangerine-colored bathing suit that could have been sold through a 1970’s SEARS catalog. This PR assignment pinned him to the runway mat and the judges had no choice but to cut him loose. Ho hum. How come we were not surprised, except that it took the judges so long to arrive at this decision?

For Rami and Sweet P it was pure luck that Ricky violated his position, thereby saving their exposed asses. Rami created a raspberry sherbet skirted mess that no self-respecting wrestling Momma who likes to dictate the action would wear.

Sweet P created a whizzer of an outfit, more suited for a performing cockatoo than an advantage/top athlete whose chest-to-chest maneuvers is the sort of stuff that WWE legends are made of.
Jillian and Christian channeled their inner bad taste and went for the gusto, creating two such delightfully kitschy outfits that they had me wish I’d been doing 600 daily sit-ups for the past 10 years. Jillian’s electrified blue short shorts and Alice in Wonderland white socks had her Diva dreaming of squat back stances and hand controls.

And Christian so relished creating an outfit for a woman with breasts and hips, that he could not contain himself, arm wrestling Sweet P to show off his testosteronies. His lace and leather outfit had me almost believe that beneath all his girlie posturing hides the heart and soul of a 300 lb. lumberjack.
Our models walked head up onto the runway, the lower globes of their impressively muscular buttocks half bared. Goodness, there was not a jiggle or a hint of cellulite within range of a table top stance. Michael Kors felt so out of his element observing real women who actually ate more than a stick of celery once a month, that it almost blew his mind, and for once words escaped him.

Our guest judges, Heatherette's Richie Rich and Traver Rains, totally dug this assignment, slavering over Chris’s and Christian’s outfits like wrestlers who’d been hip heisted and two-on-oned. For once Nina seemed lip locked, except for her comments about Ricky’s outfit, and Heidi was uncharacteristically silent as she mentally added up the cost of a nice little lace, leopard, and leather number to wear for Seal.

And so now we are down to five. Except for Sweet P’s longevity and Kevin’s too early ouster, there are no surprises here. We’re in the last stretch now. Anyone wanna guess who will be in the finals?


eric3000 said...

Well, Ms. Place, it looks like the WWE has a new fan! LOL!

Elizabeth said...

It was kind of fun, in a gimmicky way. I so hated Rami's outfit! The color, the skirt, everything. My feeling was that, if he hadn't been so strong throughout the rest of the contest, he might have been aufed. But Ricky's was the least imaginitive....
Here's hoping they drop the silly gimmicks from now on, and let them get to real clothing (I was going to say for real women, but models are as unreal as pumped up wrestlers!).

Big Fella said...

My, my, my, my, my... Welcome home Ms.P.

Marius said...

Oh, Ms. Place, this is a wonderful post. And I must agree with Eric; your knowledge of the WWE lexicon is quite impressive. :)

Anonymous said...

I don't think Rami knows what to do with breasts. His wrestler was incredibly busty and he covered it all with fabric. Yikes. I'm an A cup and I expect that with the right style my cleavage will be visible and sexy.
The huge amount of cloth should have been a clue he was going way wrong. He's the only one who actually made the model look bad. And I think that must be hard to do. If it weren't for the artificially enhanced boobs these women would have ideal bodies. Incredibly fit.