Top Chefs At One With Nature

Oh, dahlings, Ms. Place loves to commune with nature like anyone else, but frankly, it's been a few more years than I dare count since I took 8th grade science class and discussed the dietary habits of carnivores and herbivores. Indeed, my knowledge from those days in the last century might have been tainted by a few commercial considerations, though it must be supposed that lions really have nothing to do with running a food chain.


First the quickfire challenge. How droll! Shopping for only 5 ingredients in a market and forgetting to bring an item home. I do that all the time! Mark won this challenge with a nice old-fashioned sirloin steak. My daddy would be proud of him. Andrew won with a glacier that really resembled a chunk of frozen margarita served as a blob.

As for the elimination challenge of grouping people into teams of lions, penguins, vultures, gorillas, and bears: Who the hell has recently thought about a penguin's or gorilla's dietary preferences? And who would want to even think about the rotted meat a vulture sticks in its craw?

But I quibble. All I know is that while the blinis in Episode Two looked cold and unoriginal, those horrid mushrooms reminded me of something my tiny terror terrier produces with regularity four or five times per day.
Look, let's face it, had Valerie served her blinis with vodka, she would have rocked Tom Collicchio's casbah instead of getting the proverbial Russian boot.

Honestly, dahlings, take a look at this unappetizing appetizer made by Nikki and messed up by Dale, and tell me Valerie didn't get robbed.

Even real life bears would have rejected those horrid 'shrooms. In my opinion both Nikki and Dale should have been fired in the board room! Wait, that's the wrong show. Sorry Donald.
Meanwhile, poor Valerie got thrown under the bus by her team mates, and was told to pack up her knives and go.
As for lions, didn't Bravo know that they've become much more sophisticated in their tastes due to their proximity to man?
And how come none of the chefs noticed that there are a variety of bears in this world? Like Koala bear. Pooh bear. Polar bear. Teddy bear. What bear food are we talking about? Frankly, I imagine fresh eucalyptus trees are a little hard to find in Chicago.

As for two men winning the competions, here we go again, folks. Let's just hope the vultures don't eat the judges before this season is over. For some reason I thought this would be the YEAR of the WOMAN. Well, it's still early in the season.

'Nuff said about this strangely tepid episode. Hope the next one has a clearer winner and loser.

The End