This is an old post. For my latest Episode Three Top Chef post,
click here. When I learned that for Episode Two, Top Chef 3 would hold a barbecue party Miami Beach style with fourteen outdoor grills, fourteen chefs, and fourteen ways to create upscale food for Lee Schrager's sixty upscale guests I began to salivate. This guy lives in luxury, right?
But sometimes one's expectations simply do not meet reality. The event was hosted by Mr. Schrager. I had not heard of him (yes, I am that provincial). Much to my delight and surprise I learned he was a SOMEBODY when I saw a picture of him with our ubiquitous Rachael Rae.
So that led me to expect a setting like this.
But we only got this. The view could have been from a room at the Holiday Inn Express.
So then I thought if Bravo was gonna screw around with our minds, why not provide our cheftestants with appliances that fit the ambiance of the place? Why not give them a twist, and force them to work on grills like these?
Instead, our cheftestants were made to cook on grills similar to the kind my daddy used in 1985. I swallowed another disappointment. So then I got to thinking, upscale guests. Mmm. I imagined all sorts of celebrities like ...
Albert and Armand
The crew from CSI
Sonny Crocket and Ricardo Tubbs
Gidget
Chefs Carlos and Chuck
Sexy and sophisticated guests? Hell no. All we got were ordinary people that nobody recognized and who looked like you and me. Oh, you cannot imagine my disappointment. But, wait, there's more confusion.
No one understood what the heck they were supposed to be doing for a high end barbecue. Not the chefs and certainly not the judges. I mean, the chefs were given $200 each to feed 60 people, and only two hours to cook and to prep. Now, Ms. Place has a barbecue recipe where she takes 2 hours to prepare the meat, all night to marinate, and around 4 hours to slow grill.
So I thought, these chefs must know something I don't. I'm gonna learn me some new tricks!
Not.
Tre kept crowing he was in his element and that he would have to hang his head in shame if he lost because he was from Texas, but served up a lame salmon. Hung said he threw the best barbecues around, and although his dish looked interesting, he basically grilled a flank steak. My bro did that on Father's Day. It was totally delicious but nothing special. We eat that all the time.
There were variations of high end grilled food, like grilled sirloin, or grilled sword fish, or grilled shrimp. There's been an interesting discussion about grilling and barbecuing by bloggers, and how southern folks interpret these terms differently from folks up north. So the chefs were grilling or barbecuing or doing none of the above.
And then there were Joey's and Howie's dishes. These two numnuts chose to go the simple route and barbecue for Jed Clampett's family. Joey didn't bother to disguise his chicken drummette as a high end anything, then got pissed of because Hung had stolen his watermelon shooter idea, and no one can hack it in New York like he can, and he hadn't gotten top three in the quick fire challenge. Shut your mouth, Joey and cook. Better yet, go back to New York. You came up with a dish I could have sampled at Price Club near the frozen food section.
As for Howie, once again he shot himself in the foot, slicing his pork too soon. And then there was Sandee coming up with a high end dish that she poached instead of grilled or barbecued, but she did use the same cooking equipment as everyone else.
The three top chefs, Sara the Worry Wort (Other Sara barely made an appearance in Epi 2), Moody Micah, and Brian the Fearless created interesting looking dishes, but none met the criteria of slow barbecued food. All met the criteria of high end grilled food. Ok, so Brian won with his seafood sausage, which put a dreamy look in Padma's eyes. Good for you, Brian.
But then the judges had to decide who must leave. And here's where things got interesting again. They did't know the judging criteria either! Tre's been chosen because his Salmon was over salty or under seasoned, depending on which part of the fish folks ate. Howie and Joey had been chosen 'cause they're dicks. Oh, and their food stunk. Oh, and they forgot to look up the term "High End." But Sandee was chosen because the judges couldn't taste the lobster and because it had been poached in vanilla butter. Fair enough.
But she wasn't cut because her food was worse than the others but because the food did not fit the criteria of barbecue. S'cuse me, but did anyone else's in the strictest sense? And her food was HIGH END, which the Dick Twins' totally was not. It was obvious that everyone was confused by the judging criteria because none of the other chefs expected Sandee to leave.
So, the only concluding phrase I can come up with for this show (and I borrow heavily from Tom Colicchio) is that it was just like Putting Lipstick on a Pig. You might want to do it, you might actually accomplish doing it, but what was the point?
Note, to clarify the confusion between barbecuing and grilling, here is Gail's description of the challenge on her blog:
"I [was] interested in dishes that raised those slow-cooked, smoky flavors to new levels by interpreting them in high-end ways. We also wanted to see how our chefs would do so while interpreting what barbecue means to them, regardless of their obvious regional differences."
Two unexploded car bombs were found in London yesterday, and today a bunch of asshats exploded a car bomb at Glasgow Airport. This world is going to hell in a hand basket. Can these terrorists, whoever they are, not find a better more productive way to protest? Anonymous car bombs are the coward's way out.
Pompeii
Sandro Botticelli
Canova
Picasso
Bachelor and Three Graces
The Three Graces, Liverpool
The Three Graces and Two Dudes
James Gillray
The Three Grazers
And the winner of the losers is: Micah! Please pack up your knives and go. Oh, and take your year book with you. (Dahling, I loved your feistiness, moodiness, and downright bitchiness. Too bad you are gone.)
Excuse me, but why did some of you folks out there decide to become professors? You know who you are. You don't really care about your students, you think grading papers is boring, and you've basically given up. And since you have tenure you don't really frickin' care about the consequences of your indifference.
Have you bothered to help him. Have you shown him a few test taking tips. Have you taken him aside and mentored him in any way? Of course not. You don't care, do you? In fact, you don't even know who I am talking about. When he asked you where he could have done better, you just brushed him aside and told him you would post the grades on your door. You, Prof, are a classic jerk and it's people like you who make cynics of us all.
I've been linked in a post on Chow. Thanks for the shout out, dahlings. Here's my link right back at you.
In previous seasons I caught glimpses of Hell's Kitchen here and there, and determined that the next go around I would watch the show the whole way through. It's been a fairly numbing experience. The chefs have been largely stuck in the kitchen with Chef Ramsey and he likes to call them donkeys.
Once again we see the two teams cooking and racing around the kitchen and bungling the orders. Another group of suckers (customers) amble into the restaurant and we watch them wait for an excruciatingly long time for their meals. In this episode their comments will determine the winning and losing team.
Bonnie is a nanny and a private chef to four people. S'cuse me? How do these credentials qualify her to run a major kitchen? During the competition she kept calling herself an idiot and at one point she tearfully said, "I want to go home." It's obvious that she, along with Julia, are having the proverbial golden carrot dangled in front of them. The only question is: When will it be snatched away?
Next week the chefs will create food for a wedding reception. If the episode is like anything we've seen in the past few weeks, there will be no surprises. My prediction is that Josh, Jen, and Melissa will make it to the final four. Unless he miss steps big time, Rock will definitely be in the finals.
The case of the missing pants has been tossed out of court. Just about time. I can't think of a more ridiculous court case, or a better way of showing the world that the American criminal justice system has gone to hell in a hand basket.
Still, a few of them are coming across as Fame Whores, in particular JAG and Rory, who can taste fame so bad she trembles thinking about it.
Having said this, here’s this week’s recap!
Surprisingly, JAG, who felt in his element, did not win the challenge. Paul won with his chicken meal and honey Dijon glaze, and his charming presentation. His win was crucial, in that he got to choose the teams for the second challenge and the foods they would cook.
Paul was smart in his strategy: He paired Michael and Adrien because he felt there were too many male chefs, paired himself with JAG, who was familiar with Mess Hall kitchens, and gave the female team a relatively easy dish, lasagna. His rationale for giving the chicken pot pie to the Adrien/Michael team was simple: Chicken Pot Pie has many elements, and will take a longer time to prepare. So Paul predicted they would experience a time crunch. He was right. With only 10 minutes to go, Adrien could not defrost the frozen fruit in time, as was noted by the judges.
Paul and JAG won because their food and presentation were the best. Rory and Amy were saved because of their presentation. Adrien was saved, but he has a lot of ground to make up.
Here are the results of last week's poll, by the way.
The poll is still open. And you can just ignore Michael, who never received any votes to begin with. Of the remaining chefs, who do you prefer? Your vote will be cast on top of last week's votes, and you can vote once a day. The poll will remain open until there are only four chefs left.
So that led me to expect a setting like this.
But we only got this. The view could have been from a room at the Holiday Inn Express.
So then I thought if Bravo was gonna screw around with our minds, why not provide our cheftestants with appliances that fit the ambiance of the place? Why not give them a twist, and force them to work on grills like these?
Instead, our cheftestants were made to cook on grills similar to the kind my daddy used in 1985. I swallowed another disappointment. So then I got to thinking, upscale guests. Mmm. I imagined all sorts of celebrities like ...
Albert and Armand
The crew from CSI
Sonny Crocket and Ricardo Tubbs
Gidget
Chefs Carlos and Chuck
No one understood what the heck they were supposed to be doing for a high end barbecue. Not the chefs and certainly not the judges. I mean, the chefs were given $200 each to feed 60 people, and only two hours to cook and to prep. Now, Ms. Place has a barbecue recipe where she takes 2 hours to prepare the meat, all night to marinate, and around 4 hours to slow grill.
So I thought, these chefs must know something I don't. I'm gonna learn me some new tricks!
As for Howie, once again he shot himself in the foot, slicing his pork too soon. And then there was Sandee coming up with a high end dish that she poached instead of grilled or barbecued, but she did use the same cooking equipment as everyone else.
But then the judges had to decide who must leave. And here's where things got interesting again. They did't know the judging criteria either! Tre's been chosen because his Salmon was over salty or under seasoned, depending on which part of the fish folks ate. Howie and Joey had been chosen 'cause they're dicks. Oh, and their food stunk. Oh, and they forgot to look up the term "High End." But Sandee was chosen because the judges couldn't taste the lobster and because it had been poached in vanilla butter. Fair enough.
So, the only concluding phrase I can come up with for this show (and I borrow heavily from Tom Colicchio) is that it was just like Putting Lipstick on a Pig. You might want to do it, you might actually accomplish doing it, but what was the point?
