Project Runway Four: Christian Meets the Rock of Gilbraltar ....

... in the form of Maddie, a sweet, innocent Catholic School Girl, whose experience of the world at a private school run by the brides of Christ is limited and whose potential is still being developed. Upon seeing what Christian had in mind for her, this darling, shy, retiring and delicate young blossom, poised on the threshold of womanhood, squeezed Christian by the balls and ground him and his goofball prom dress ideas into a thousand emasculated pieces under her school uniform shoes. She then took out her trusty .5 mm Pentel Sharp mechanical pencil (a product placement opportunity Bravo missed) and made hash work of Christian's mess, adding her own subtle touches.

Miss Thing, upset that her genius was being challenged by a mere child, began to bray like a donkey. Tim Gunn described the exchange between Maddie and Christian in more gentlemanlike terms, "Some may say that his client, Maddie, was difficult. I prefer to say that she was just being an opinionated client. But it was a battle of the wills, and Maddie dared to throw hubris in the face of an angry god."

Hah! I say that when Maddie saw that Christian was gonna make her look like Sissy Spacek in "Carrie" after pig blood was poured over her, she decided to take matters into her own opinionated hands. Our Catholic girlfriend knows what she wants and she thought she knew how to get it. Problem is, she hasn't taken a class in College Physics yet. When an immovable object meets an immovable object, all you get is .... KABOOM!

"Yo, bro, if you think I'm wearing this shapeless brown turd to my prom, you've got another think coming."

Yoohoo! Bravo producers! I changed my mind. Can I choose this gorgeous specimen of manhood instead? Please, please, please!

I suppose Christian got his revenge: Poor Maddie looks like a chocolate truffle. Her face is gorgeous and she has a sexy figure. WTF was Christian thinking? Ah, well. Smile, girlfriend. It's not like the whole world watches Bravo. Only a couple of million of us.

Up next:

Ricky receives eye surgery, in which his tear ducts are permanently sealed with Elmer's glue, Bravo's next sponsor.

Victorya continues her Teacher's Pet lessons in order to keep her in the competition with her mind numbingly similar and shapeless sad sack dresses.

Chris is contacted by Laz Luhrmann to star in his next movie about circuses AND to design and wear all the costumes.

Rami drapes all the presidential contenders in red, white, and blue.

Kit's hunky prom date contacts her and they "relive" that last glorious evening they spent together.

Sweet P seeks out Dr. Phil in between his ambulance chasing sessions with Britney, hoping to gain insight as to why her vastly superior dress did not win this week's competition.

Jillian practices five different facial expressions in front of a mirror hoping she'll get one right.

Inspired by all those Catholic school girls, Christian goes on retreat in a monastery to acquire humility and meet some hunky men.

Upon learning that Kevin was aufed, Ms. Place finds solace in all the gin joints in Richmond, searching for a reason to keep watching this uneven season now that one of her favorite designers has been ignominiously and unfairly booted. In her humble opinion, Ricky's bland design was far, far worse.

Project Runway: Up the Hershey Highway

Ms. Place, we'll certainly miss you this week. While you pursue more academic endeavors, let me get on down to dishin' Project Runway 4. I'll try to make you proud.

Don’t get me wrong. I love the wacky “non-traditional material” episodes of PR like the ones using the scraps from the recycling center or the designers’ rooms, but I’m kinda disgusted by the commercialism of product placement. They cram L'Oreal, BlueFly, and Saturn down our throats, but when a brand, like Hershey's, that has nothing to do with fashion takes over the episode, it's just...well, distasteful. If they head to the Disney store next season, I’ll hurl.

Putting my cynicism aside, I enjoyed the designers’ creations and reveled in their quirky antics. Plus, any episode in which Tim Gunn says, “maxipad,” is sure to delight.

Kudos, Rami! He sends tongues wagging among my more lustful friends who would vote for him even if he sent a diaper down the runway, but I agree this week. He had the best design.

It’s whimsical and impeccably constructed, and Zac Posen popped a boner over the intricacy of the pleats (or maybe for its designer). The graphic plastic top adds an edge that takes away some of the “sweetness” of the rest of the dress. For capturing the spirit of the challenge and cranking out a well-made and well-designed dress, Rami wins.

For wearability, however, no one could touch Kevin’s creation.

The bolero is amazing and showcases Kevin’s construction talent. The two front seams and details on the hem give interest to the skirt. It’s a great look. In fact, if I stare at it any longer, it may become my favorite. Winner or not, Kevin is a force to reckon with.

Speaking of whimsy, Kit, Ricky, and Chris captured the fun of the challenge in their designs. I had a flashback to the raucous punk days of my college years with Kit’s outfit, so she earned many personal points from me. Ricky stepped up his construction to make a funky little dress and didn’t cry once! Instead of bawling like a jailhouse bitch, he seemed centered and focused. I wish he’d keep it up, but previews of next week’s episode show him regressing to his old crybaby ways. Meds, anyone? Chris overcame his inner larger-than-life drag-queen to make a sleek and artsy, but tasteful, dress. His model looked great coming down the runway. Of the three, his was my favorite.

Jillian was the only one to use food to make her garment and whined about it the whole time. I think she’s a robot. She can stare unflinchingly at the camera and speak perfect monotone sentences—no inflection, no emotion, no “um”, “uh” or “like” affecting her speech. She doesn’t shed a tear when whining and blithering on like a spoiled baby. “Waaaah, my candy keeps falling off.” Well, no shit, android. I can’t sew a button on, but I could have told you that.

That whining and pouting made her a stand-by on my shit list, but I’ll hand it to her. She pulls her shit together in front of the judges and becomes the humble little darling of the runway batting her eyes and grinning coyly. Whether she’s a genius or just a conniving diva, her design made the judges soil their britches with glee. That causes problems for me. First, it’s red. She’s done it over and over, and now I’m over it. Secondly, it’s an ill-fitting bustier and fringed skirt—no big deal there. In fact, I remember something similar coming down the runway on Emma Sjoberg in George Michael's "Too Funky" video. Finally, no one told her she had to use food. She winds up with a model who looks like a red-velvet cake with swirling cherry-flavored titties, and we’re supposed to be impressed? As Ms. Place would say, “Eh…Feh.”

Since I’m right in the middle of a bitch-fest, I’ll continue on to Christian.

Meh. It’s kind of a cool dress, but that arrogant ‘tude is not. I’m hoping Kevin makes good on his promise and offs the nelly little leprechaun. Please shave his head before you do, Kevin.

I will give one thing to Christian. The girl can shuck some candy. She had those wrappers flying like a tweaked out factory worker, but poor thing got dizzy trying to count them.

Sweet P. pulled one out of her arse changing her dress at the last minute, but nearly got canned for its tremendous snooze factor. The skirt still ended up looking like a coffee filter.

Victorya lacks the talent to backup her arrogance, and this mess proves it. There’s a lot of talk on the show about French maids’ outfits, but that neckline epitomizes one. From concept to execution, it’s just bad. She should have been auf’d.

Perhaps my biggest disappointment was the elimination of Elisa. I’d grown accustomed to her new age, dress-spitting ways. Sure, her dress stunk out loud but not as bad as Victorya’s. She accepted her elimination with grace, reflected on her growth, and thanked her fellow designers. I’ll miss the wacky, big-hearted space cadet.

Thanks, Ms. Place. It was a gas! Hurry back! -BW

Dahlings, Good News!

My good friend and colleague Branch Water has graciously agreed to be my guest blogger. As you might have surmised, I have been a wee bit busy and distracted these days. So, to keep the Project Runway ball rolling, Branch will dis this week's runway fashions. I simply can't wait to see what witty and ascerbic observations will fly off his fingers. Wasn't this a splendid PR? Who doesn't love candy. And what a creative way to get rid of the wrappers! Stay tuned for Branch's take on things, strap in, and enjoy the ride!