Project Runway: In which dood-doo heads collide, and one contestant rides into the sunset via a wheelchair ramp

Tim Gunn, that wise sage of Project Runway and Parsons School of Design, knows that the key to any good working partnership is communication, a trait that most people lack. He lulls the remaining 10 designers into complacency by taking them on a brunch cruise.

There they meet Michael Kors, who gives them all identical sunglasses and tells them about their next assignment: creating resort wear.

At this point, Mondo nearly pees in his trunks. “WTF? I never take a vacation. My idea of relaxation is walking around my apartment in my underwear!”

Andy thinks about resort wear

“Easy as pie,” thinks Andy. “Resort wear are like ordinary clothes in Hawaii, just like I am wearing now.”

Hurry up! Hurry up! Yes, uhm, let me grab a bite ...

The group is told to sketch for 30 minutes, but since the cruise barely lasts for 32 minutes, the designers hardly get a bite to eat.

And so our hungry group trundles off to Mood, where Ivy heads straight for the section with fabrics that lack any vibrancy or color. “Oh, I can execute these!” she thinks proudly as she chooses four Golden Girls pastel fabrics.

Meanwhile, Michael D falls in love with material as black as coal. “Perfect for a playful romp in the Bahamas,” he says to himself. “I am blinded by my vision, which is a Gift From the Gods!”

As April wanders around Mood, she is chaneled by the inmates of a crazy-assed creapy asylum. Instantly she thinks: “Punk baby doll pajamas” and starts pulling out an assortment of black fabrics that are as suspiciously dark as Michael D's.

Mondo is clearly struck by my mom's 1960's shower curtain, while Casanova rummages around the crocheted doily section.

After their purchases, the designers head back to their workstations at the Parsons School for Design. Then Tim walks in holding up his lovely gold-tasseled sack.

Uh, oh!. “Tim has a bag,” they think collectively. Mondo is so pissed at the thought of what is in Tim's sack that he is about to scream.

You could have heard a sewing needle drop on a plush carpet just before Tim anounces: “You will be working in teams of two. Each of you will wear two hats: that of designer and sample maker. You will have to communicate your vision. You will have to TRUST that you can execute each others' design work.”

This challenge is very Michael Kors This is not my challenge

“I know all about execution,” thinks Ivy smugly. “I AM execution. I INVENTED execution. No one but me can out-execute me, myself or Ivy.”

Tim then announces the teams. Some unions get off to a rocky start, while others instantly begin warbling and making goo goo eyes.

Michael C and Mondo

Macho Mondo butts heads with Michael C. “Your construction is awful, and you have immunity.”

“Yeah, well, so what? I'm here for a reason, aren't I? Besides, the judges LOOVE me.”

“Just so you don't rain on my little-boy-cut bikini parade!”

Christopher (center) and April

April is over the moon with the pairing. “Me and Christopher work exactly the same way!” she crows.

Christopher dances around the room, singing, “She knows how to cut and she knows bias! We're going to work well as a team!” They then waltz to their work station together.

Andy and Valerie

Valerie and Andy are a little less moonstruck, but she remains optimistic. “I am really trusting that he will bang it out!!”

But his only comment comes with a hint of foreboding, “I worry about Val.” The viewers begin to think: is she getting the loser's cut or is she a decoy?

Ivy and Michael D

Some unions are so dysfunctional that they never get off the ground, as with Ivy and Michael D.

“Do you know execution?”

“Ah...”

“Do you know that this is a challenge?”

“Ehm..”

“Can you sew? Construct?”

“Er..”

“How comfortable do you feel constructing pants?”

“I'm at level two..”

“Oh, you CAN speak. I thought you were dumb. Still, I will have to dumb down my design for you.

“Uh, ok.”

“A word of warning: My mother is trying to crawl out of me. You don't want to mess with an angry Korean.”

Gretchen and Casanova

From the moment Gretchen and Casanova are paired, they begin to behave like two hormonally challenged teens.

“You like little old ladies.” “An jhor construction ees awesome.” 

They follow the ritual courtship gestures of designer couples

They bat their eyelashes, and she shows him her stuff. They then sew with a vengeance, flirting and sewing and flirting some more.

And so our couples snip and snipe away, until Tim and Michael Kors make the rounds. How's your union coming along? asks Kors of Valerie and Andy.

Andy speaks first. “Like I said to Val, I wanted the crotch part outside of the vee, and the butt part, like, low. And she delivered.”

Dayum, that hurt my feelings

“Good for you,” said Michael Kors. Then he turns to her outfit and makes a face. “Your color preferences are AWFUL. I worry about your addiction to military blue and bordeaux.” A stunned Val staggers to the phone and calls her mother. “I've been on the top four times! What more do they want?!”

Tim and Michael move on to the next pair, Mondo and Michael C.. “How solid is your union?”

“Well, at first I was a dick,” confesses Mondo. He turns to Michael C and whispers, “Sorry for being such a bitch, Bud.” And then he says loudly, “But Michael caught me off guard and now we have made two beautiful garments.”

“Mondos's stuff is just insane,” gushes Michael C. “He made me this hat and I think it is so amazing.”

Unimpressed with their love talk, Michael Kors turns to Mondo. “Just make her look like a fabulously sexy girl at the beach. As for you, Michael C., she's glammy puss over the top. Keep it simple.”

Tim and Michael K visit each couple at their work stations, dispensing advice. Kors takes one look at Casanova's fabrics and exclaims: “A seventy year old woman would think this is too frumpy.”

“Huh? But I LIKE leettle ol' ladies. I love my Granma an Bettee White an ...”

Michael K. holds up his hand. “Traditional couture is for older clients. Start hacking your garment to pieces and deconstruct it or add thigh high boots and some assymmetry, so we judges will like it.”

Cassanova's 20 something model has no clue that she is wearing Betty White's outfit

I think I look classy enough to go to a country club or a dance at a retirement home

Gretchen pats Casanova's arm with propriety, smiles down at Tim and Michael K, and says with condescension, “As you can see, Casanova has fallen back to his age esthetic. While I don't think it will take him much further, his little old lady outfit will go very well with my granpa sweater, don't you agree?”

Michael and Tim roll their eyes and stop at Ivy's and Michael D's work station. Michael Kors gazes in horror at her fabrics and makes a mewling sound.

“It's Michael's fault,” she says defensively.

“Why did you choose SEVEN different kinds of fabrics that all look like they've been bleached!”

“I only chose four,” she retorts, adding, “It's ALL Michael D's fault.”

“And what about you, Michael D? How do you feel about Ivy's accusations?” Kors asks.

“She is handing over her neurosis to me, and I suck at sewing.”

“Well, well, then. You are one lucky designer to have the best technically skilled seamstress sew your garment. Your design is awesome, whereas Ivy's, well...”

Perhaps I can't sew, but I can wag my tongue in victory!

As they move towards another work station, Ivy hisses at Michael D, “Go SEW my garment and don't come back until you're done!”

Tim and Michael pause at April's and Christopher's station, where Michael salivates over April's garment.

“I have a whacky idea! Do a tailored boy short - but NO ass cheeks.!”

Is that a pun? And what about MY outfit?

“OMG, OMG,” April says, jumping up and down. “That's just what I planned to do! Didn't I Christopher? Look, look at my drawing!”

After Tim and Michael Kors leave, the contestants slave over their work until the models arrive to get fitted. April immediately tells her model to strut her stuff in her baby doll punk dress.

Whose ass?

“Now don't get offended but I'm going to watch your ass as you walk.”

“OMG, OMG, I can SEE her ASS!” says Andy in horrified tones.

“Then cover her ass, so my ass is covered! You heard Michael Kors. NO ASS CHEEKS!”

Racing against time, all the contestants finish sewing, except for poor Michael D., who has grown a tumor on his right arm in the form of an avenging Korean who bounces crazy energy off him.

“Hurry up!”

“I'm trying.”

“You can't sew.”

“I know.”

“My garment sucks.”

“You get no argument from me there.”

“IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.”

Smiling like a Chesire cat, he says, “I feel really awful about that.”

Musical sewing chairs

Tim tells the designers they can have ten minutes to work on their garments and Ivy steamrollers over Michael D, flattening him on the floor to get to the sewing machine.

Sweet Jesus, help me.

To recover from the Ivy-Michael D drama, here's a gratuitous moment from the producers at Lifetime:

Michael Ds model gets her spray tan smoothed by some strange dude

It's finally time for the runway show.

Kristen Bell has been chosen to guest judge because she wears clothes.

Michael C's dress looks shiny under the lights but it flows beautifully as the model walks.(See the designs in this link from Lifetime)

Wondering if she looks ridiculous, Mondo's model forgets to smile in her Forever 21 outfit.

Michael D's design has been well executed by Ivy. She stares daggers at him.

Ivy's outfit looks boring and bland and kinda like the statue of liberty. There was no design there.

Christopher's beautiful top is ruined by long tight shorts.

Aprils baby doll dress is a dark romantic vision of someone being captured.

Casanova is comfortable with his look and he knows he is going to be ok, but he forgets to check Nina's expression.

Gretchen's model looks like she stepped out of a Renaissance Fair resort. 

Valerie's side flaps resemble fish gills.

Andy's resort ensemble is a stunning gray and violet bathing suit and removable skirt. As she struts down the runway, Michael K. nods his head in agreement.

The big winner is April, though either Michael D. or Andy should have won, since both men designed outfits that actually looked like resort wear. Plus her man panties looked odd.

Casanova, who was aufed, is very confused. He is certain Ivy's name had been called. After all, hadn't the judges said she was a mere seamstress, while he designed couture outfits? Had they not said she made no design, while he at least had made an outfit for a litlle old lady? Had they not indicated that Ivy's outfit was a big yawn, while his was warm and mumsy? And while he had treated Gretchen with respect, Ivy had steamrollered over Michael D. until he turned into a doubting mass of blubbering manhood.

Dejected, Casanova tries to auf himself before Heidi aufs him with her teutonic smile.

The contestants give Casanova a big send-off while Lifetime takes the viewers down memory lane, showing a montage of Casanova moments.

And then Casanova says goodbye in his own unique way: "I have to say, right now I grab one ball of New York and New York grab one of mine."

In next week's episode, a designer tries to give Jackie Kennedy camel toe.

Two best buds in a "Gift from the Gods" moment. Now don't this beat all?

Jessica Simpson at New York Fashion Week

Question: Who was Michael Kors' inspiration when he loaned Jessica Simpson this dress? Omar the tent maker.

Jessica Simpson and Nina Garcia at Project Runway Season 8 Finale

Oh, Michael, how could you do this to the poor girl!

What a fashion disaster! The Daily Mail was kind and called her frumpy. Which makes one ask, what was Lifetime thinking in bringing her on as a guest judge? I'm one of the skeptics, but I guess I'll wait and see how well she does. She may surprise us yet. Here is the Fug Girls' take on the Project Runway 8 finale in New York Fashion. Y'all can just google Tom and Lorenzo.

Zipper-dee-doo-dah and Hallelujah! Or the Revival of Project Runway

Project Runway is back! The gods have accepted my offerings of clothes from the 80s in exchange for a return of the PR of old ... and, praise and hallelujah, they have listened! Forget good clothes. Forget great design. It was the bitchiness I was craving and that had been sorely missing ...

Let's face it, the last two episodes of Project Runway Season 8 had nothing to do with the dresses. My assessment of the two collections and altered bridesmaids dresses can be summed up with simple phrases: Butt ugly. Pedestrian. WTF!? Seen that/done that. Grandmother's closet. Anemic. Trash/no class. And zipper-dee-doo-dah!

My discards from my 1980s closet

I suspect that even Lerners and J.C. Penny would balk at hanging most of these outfits on their discount racks.

I have been a devoted fan for all eight of Project Runway seasons, and in the first two years of this blog's existence behaved like a Bravo groupie. Then, like the Mets leaving New York, and the Colts bolting from Baltimore, Heidi took her show to Lifetime.

LIFETIME!? Isn't that the channel where actresses whose careers have tanked, or never took off, make movies for stay-at-home moms and blue-haired old ladies? My PR loyalty was sorely tested.

These past two PR seasons I've merely schlepped along, watching the show from the corner of my eye while performing tasks around the house, like cleaning toilets. It's a sad indictment when Models of the Runway provided more excitement than the Main Event.

Season 8 contestants haven't displayed anywhere near the level of creativity that past PR designers have shown (ENOUGH with the zippers already!), yet my interest in this show has suddenly been rejuvenated. Why is that?

Wendy Pepper's designs proved that good taste is not necessarily entertaining

Perhaps the writers, editors and directors suddenly SAW the LIGHT. With blinding clarity someone must have realized that viewers are not as much drawn to the clothes or designs, as to the personalities of the designers.

We will tune in to watch no-name and struggling designers if we are presented with color, drama, conflict, clashing personalities, bitchery, back-stabbing, and two-faced cussedness. Vanilla boring clothes are fine. So is a lack of talent. Just as long as sparks fly. How else can we explain Wendy Pepper's wild popularity as the premier PR bitch against whom all other PR bitches are still compared?

Watching PR last season was like counting drips from a faucet. There's no drama or tension when designers like and respect each other. Last week we watched the judges toy with the losing team like a cat with five mouses - each one playfully reminding them that someone had to leave. Oh, the back stabbing! The bitchery. The absolute delight Heidi took in forcing the team to choose one of their own kind for slaughter. Then good old Gretched stepped up to the plate and delivered. BIG TIME. Fashionistas across the land raised their martinis in awe.

United we stand. A Gift from the Gods moment.

This season, Lifetime was offered GIFTS FROM THE GODS in the forms of Gretched, Ivy, Casanova, Mondo, Peach, April, Valerie, and Michael C. What a motley and entertaining crew!

Let's look into the personality disorders of the major players a little more closely, shall we?

Gretched (I know, I know - Gretchen)

Motto: A force to be reckoned with.
Talent-o-meter: Creative, can style and sew. Makes the same well-sewn outfits over and over.
Scale of Self-delusion: Off the charts. Confuses bossiness and pre-emptive interference with being helpful.
Personality quirk: Suffers from a superiority complex. Addicted to tall Piperlime boots.
Gift from the Gods rating: Five platinum bars.


Casanova

Motto: I dunno what happen wit my taste!
Talent-o-meter: Breathtaking sewing skills; can create complicated, well-constructed gowns in no time. Taste level is wobbly. Some outfits are awesome, others laughably bad.
Scale of Self-delusion: Moving towards the center. He is listening closely to Tim and it shows.
Personality quirk: Unafraid to showcase his nipples and pointy-toed shoes.
Gift from the Gods rating: Five gold bars.

Ivy

Motto: Execute it beautifully.
Talent-o-meter: Her insipid, anemic, and uninspired designs resemble the outfits she wears. Can execute and sew.
Scale of Self-delusion: Off the charts. Regards herself as a top notch designer, but has received absolutely no confirmation from the judges to back up her claim.
Personality quirk: Gretched's mini me, and irritating, like a gnat.
Gift from the Gods rating: Five gold bars


Michael C.

Motto: I'm gonna win (and show up you bitches)
Talent-o-meter: Designs but can't sew. Mostly talented at hiding his true personality from the viewing audience. (See Peach's exit interview with Tom and Lorenzo)
Scale of self-delusion: Off the charts. Actually thinks his Carmen Miranda dresses are fashion.
Personality quirk: His naked ambition and false “poor me” stance irritated the bejeesuz out of the other designers, turning them into a pack of raving, clawing wolves.
Gift from the Gods rating: Five platinum bars

Let's not forget Valerie's cray-cray comments and rubber-faced expressions, April's cool, bitchy assessments of the competition, and Mondo's bouffant hair and quirky talent.

With such over the top players on this year's PR stage, how can viewers not be mesmerized? I do hope that next year, Lifetime won't toss out great designers in favor of the "characters", but that they'll find a nice balance of both, the way Bravo did.

I admit being turned off for a while by what I perceived to be bullying and a ganging up on Michael C, until Peach, that lovely, likable designer for the country club set, revealed the following delicious tidbit in her interview with Tom and Lorenzo:

“Michael Costello … wants his own reality show and he’s creating this character that you see. There were two sides of Michael Costello and one of them did not have the nicest language; not just curse words, subject matter too. I don’t know how to put it, but he is not the victim that they’re painting him to be.”

Apparently A.J. agreed, tweeting that Michael C. was acting for the cameras. If this is so, then the little crying jag we were treated to was all for show. Way to go, Michael! The editors must have been whooping for joy!

I hope Lifetime gives Michael C. the reality show he so craves. Perhaps they could title it A Douchebag Designs Duds for Divas, in which he creates outfits for Brigitte Nielsen, Bristol Palin, Octomom, Kate Gosslin, Wendy Pepper, Jan Brewer, Ann Coulter, Michelle Duggar, Sharron Angle, and Heidi Montag, just to name a few.

As for next week's show, I am already salivating in anticipation. Aren't you?